I found a book called 'mother-daughter wisdom'. I bought it...

worry

Today's been a strange emotional rollercoaster of a day. I've been at work and my husband has had the two girls on his own for the whole day for the first time...harder than you may think seeing as the little moth is not happy about the idea of feeding from a bottle - even if it is breast milk. She protests a lot - which makes the baby bird stressed (what a lovely big sister she is) and then everyone is unhappy. Actually it all went fine and the moth took more than she has previously and everyone semed quite happy when I returned but...


I think it was also my reaction to a radio programme I heard on the way to work about a family who fell apart and rebuilt themselves after an 8 year old child revealed to her mother that her father had sexually abused her. The mother was truely incredible, and the father incredibly frank. It was shocking and moving and thought-provoking...and a little chilling. I have trust issues. Big ones. And I worry every single day that someone has/might/will hurt my babes. Not for one second about their father who is a true gentle giant of a man but I do worry incessantly about it. But today after this programme I began to wonder about my trust issues and how they are negatively affecting my family. I trust no-one but myself absolutely, and although this is ridiculous it is true. I have been unfair to my husband in this respect as although I have never said I don't trust him to make decisions for our children I think the fact I take control at every opportunity has perhaps made him question himself when he has absolutely no need to...thus making him more nervous about the prospect of today than he needed to be. I should relinquish control (my other major problem) and trust him more.


And I worry about my milk supply - I'm tired, a little stressed and perhaps not looking after myself as well as I might be and I worry that the moth is not getting the best nutrition she could be. I am feeling like a bad mother today which makes me sad as it is the most important thing in my life and I want to give my babes everything I can that is good....

aren't they perfect?!

opening up

Both girls are alseep, I am alone and I feel now is the time to begin to unravel some of the feelings I have been going through in the last 12 weeks..

The birth of the moth was deeply traumatic - and I still can't tell what happened as parts of it are so blocked out of my mind. Enough to say that after a long labour at home with no pain relief and happy to be that way, I was blue-lighted into hopsital for anouther emergency c-section. There's a lot wrong with that. I trust my midwife's decision - or advice really - totally and so must accept that it was the right thing to do this time. But. I can't begin to describe my deep feelings of failure, guilt, freakishness, shame, loss, sadness, vulnerability, violation, invasion, disgust and a catalogue of other negative emotions....and all for a second time despite my greatest efforts. It was almost unbearable and I am still haunted daily by it. I know there are much worse things - and yes of course the 'most important thing is that we are both ok' but god I hate it when people say that. I am grateful for what went right and that everyone is safe obviously but it's easy to underestimate the depth of feelings that go with being put on a slab in a cold foreign place surrounded by masked faces, being numbed from the chest down and so unable to move when the shield goes up in front of your eyes to stop you seeing the stranger approach your most precious swollen and soft belly with a cold, hard, sharp knife and slash you open to reveal parts of you that should never be seen, and to steal your child's first moments from you forever.
There's a lot of my past that I thought I'd put to bed that was brought back with all this and I have felt both raw and numb with it all at the same time. Now it's just becoming numb again and although it's a relief it doesn't feel safe or permanent. This time I feel I must meet myself head on but I don't know quite where to begin or how to go about it all.

Oh, and did I mention how little support my mother has given me through all this? In fact, she has hurt me more than pretty much anyone ever has. I know she didn't mean to, but this time it was me who really really needed support and I got the opposite. I actually am alone. Nice.

5.45am

who knows what goes on in her mind?!! this was the only way she'd eat her breakfast...

hello

so. things are getting better I guess.. the girls are totally wonderful and brilliant with each other - both of them obviously prefer the other to be around and rarely seem to fight for my attention. the papa raven is now loving the new family dynamic - after a little initial panic at the chaos we now live in - and revels in the freedom of childhood. I'm fairly healed even if I do look like frankenstein's monster across my belly. Emotionally I'm still very raw and there's a lot of pain I have yet to tackle but I'm more in control of my emotions now and don't feel quite so much like I'm wading through treacle all the time. There's so much to say but for now a little is better than nothing...