long lost thoughts..

So I have a feeling this may be a long post - to make up for my lack of attention to my secret(!) blog space in recent days.
I have just driven back from the south and was thinking of this post most of the way back - right from the moment I saw a beautiful double rainbow as I wizzed up the motorway and considered the possibility of being able to take a picture of it whilst still driving and not killing us at the same time. The lack of picture illustrates not the rainbow but my sensible decision to not attempt photography whilst travelling at 80mph....

Talking of cars and crashing, my husband had a crash last night on the way home from his concert and has written off his car. He sent me a scary picture of his mashed up Megane which I hate. He is fine. But once again I am shown how tenuous our grasp of life is and I worry in a magnified and heightened kind of way for my little girl.

I lay in bed last night listening to my little girl's sleepy snuffly sounds as I tried to wind down from the day and relax. We were doing more recording of Phillip Glass and after my last post I felt as if jessica had suggested that I was a little less than charitable in my description of his musical conception. I tried during the recording to be more receptive and openminded to someone else's expression.........and then realized that whilst I encourage all personal expression of every sort, I can only be of the opinion that some expression is better (much better) than others - and for a variety of reasons - including content. I felt what we were playing had very little content. Therefore I was bored. to tears. sorry. Then I got bored of thinking about how bored I had been and turned my mind instead to how comfortable I was feeling physically. I was lying on my front with my feet hanging out of the bed and with my hands tucked under my body resting against my pelvic bone. It felt a bit like a position of resistance - of not wanting to surrender to tiredness or relaxation - but it felt lovely. I wonder what that says about me?

Finally, lonliness.
I have been trying to work out just what lonliness really is. It is easy to be lonely when you're alone - but even easier to feel lonely when you are surrounded by people you don't know. So. Does that mean that feeling lonely is (partly at least) not feeling connected in some way to the people arond you? I do think that man is deeply flawed in that he can't live alone and always gravitates to others yet simultaneously needs to feel individual and we are all to some degree or another territorial. I think there is something quite primitive and base about the feeling as jessica says...because you can be surrounded by people you respect and admire and connect with to some degree, but without some kind of fundamental unity between two individuals it is still possible to feel alone in your (one's) journey. I think that I feel a bit alone because there are not so many people in my daily communicative circle who feel the same way as me about fundamental life choices- or are not fully accepting and understanding of them. When I feel fulfilled (what IS the opposite of lonliness??) it is because I feel worth something and am taken seriously by people I respect. ........it's not clear to me yet and I have rambled but I feel I am getting closer to understanding what it is really all about. What do you think?