clap your hands

The baby bird is progressing in leaps and bounds....she is learning new words almost every day. Today she mastered 'beep' (only to be said when she presses her belly button it seems!) and 'sausage' has become a regular tea time word...I'm trying to make her be more precise and say 'veggie tofu sausage' but it seems like it's a bit much...she sings along with certain songs in her humming monotone and joins in every time with 'if you're happy and you know it clap your hands'. And every day she embraces new experiences with excitement and wonder. She really does make me see things in a fresh and innocently beautiful way...

Today was ridiculous. I arrived to play with an orchestra at what I thought was a rehearsal to find out that we were actually doing children's concerts and I had no concert clothes with me at all. I had to dash to the shops in the break and in a whirl buy anything that I could wear on stage. A bit stressful. Anyway, I actually got some really nice things - possibly better than I had already - and it was only shoes I couldn't find in the 40 minutes.....so I just bought some black socks and sat very demurely with my feet tucked under the chair for the duration of the concert. Another classy appearance.

big sleepy emotions

I am so tired. The baby bird has never been a big sleeper but the last couple of nights have been truly terrible...awful. One night she woke up every 40 minutes almost all night - and what is worst about it is that she is not wanting to play or anything stupid like that - she wants to be asleep and so do I!! AH well, today I have bought her some lovely new pyjamas which are beautiful light cotton and I am hopeful that she will only wake a couple of times. She has never been a sleepy baby but I find it really hard when I'm working too.......
Unrelated to sleeping I am having a bit of a sadness at the moment too as I think we may have had our last breastfeeding bonding session. It was on midsummer's eve which is a nice special remembering day and since then I have either been working at her bedtime feed time or she has not asked for it. I have not breastfed her for four days now....I think that is the end of it. My right bosom is SO sore and full of milk it feels like it is twice the size of my head and throbbing in a comical cartoon fashion. Actually, having admitted that I think it is over I am now even more sad. I will never be as close to my beautiful baby bird again and although I know this is a wonderful big step for her into becoming her own blossoming self and depending on me just that little bit less, it also really brings home to me the whole life-cycle thing and the fact that she will one day leave me behind and be able to run and dance as it becomes my turn to wither and die....I am not being melodramatic but I am feeling clearly the bigger picture and therefore my own mortality - as well as the potential love and life my baby bird will have. I don't know, I'm not explaining clearly how I am feeling...I am sad and happy and don't want things to change but do want my baby to grow and thrive. I guess this is one of those letting go moments which is lovely but I love her SO much. I don't think she will ever know just how deep my love for her is.

nothing to say

There's a lot I want to say today about how other people's perception of us means more than it should. This is partly in response to poor Jessica who is questioning things (but is also menstural so lets not worry too much) and partly because of the experience I have had recently where because I don't know that people respect me I have found myself becoming more and more insecure.

I just made a cabbage soup for tea and am now farting constantly as I type. Remember this as you read my post today as it is distracting me....

Actually, suddenly, I don't feel like posting anything now - I'm feeling flighty - so I might save it for tomorrow. And hopefully the wind will be over by then too. Oh, I will mention that I went to get new bras recently as I have pretty much stopped breastfeeding now :( and wanted to get rid of my nursing bras. My bosom is huge...i hadn't realised....I was properly measured and was shocked at the result. Still, the new bras are pretty and I got lots of nice coloured ones. enough.

(click on the picture to see the details - it's amazing)

the door opened and I am on the threshold of something big...

So in tonight's concert I had a real moment of clarity and I am feeling anxious to try to get it put down so that I can keep at least some of the understanding I felt so keenly.... I was sitting on stage while the orchestra around me was playing a big choral movement I wasn't in and I was watching the conductor who no-one much likes and I suddenly got this big flash of understanding about the interconnectedness of everything and how everything affects everything else and is part of everything else...my thought process was sparked by my trying to understand this guy more; why so many people dislike him.. and I thought I must aim to love him or at least have some compassion for him and then I moved to thinking about his mother and her love for him regardless of his character and then I thought of him as a tiny baby and saw how people love and accept babies but as they grow into adults they are more and more marginalised by the people around them into being liked or disliked.....and then I realised that this means that criminals were once babies that would have been accepted and adored but were in some way failed by society and so became disfunctional beings that were utterly not accepted and ignored rather than adored. So then I realised that that meant that I, as part of society, am therefore responsible in some small part for the behaviour of every criminal and in their having been let down by the communities they live in. Which is an idea I have heard many times but never really understood before. And this in turn got me thinking about how who we are is so strongly related to how we are perceived that we are not able to stand alone as beings and therefore we must be part of each other and consequently part of everything that exists. That wasn't the end of it but that's all I can untangle for now...it is hard to put understanding of things into words sometimes but I like to try to do it as I think it helps me consolidate what I have been thinking. I think the way I have written this sounds like it is such a small thing but it is actually huge. I am excited. I am going to go to bed now to ponder on what I have realised and to try to begin to understand the consequences of it.......

turmoil, peace and hope for the future...

The baby bird and I went for an early morning walk in the fields and woods across from our house as she was resltess and I couldn't sleep anyway. It was really beautiful. We saw no-one but lots of rabbits and birds and one of our cats followed us for a while...the baby bird fell asleep really early on and I began to feel peaceful with the rhythm of walking on the gravelly path the only sound in my ears.

I had a weird day yesterday. I was working which was nice but I couldn't stay in the moment. Do you get times when you feel like you are divided from the world by a big invisible blanket and you can't quite become involved in things? You feel like you are watching everything (including yourself) from a spectator's gallery.... yesterday I couldn't feel anything other than I was watching a film of my life - which usually would be fine but when you are playing in a symphony orchestra you need to concentrate more than that state of mind allows. It got to the point where in the concert I felt like there was no-one in the (packed) concert hall but me - even though I could see the thousands of people in the audience they didn't seem real. And so then when we came to a piece where I had a fairly prominent solo (Ravel's Bolero of all things) I suddenly got really nervous. I never get nervous in concerts but my heart was pounding and my knees were beginning to shake and my breathing became shallow -all because I couldn't focus my mind on what I was doing at all - instead of me concentrating I found myself talking to myself saying all sorts of irrelevant and distracting things and it was only down to, well, I don't know what that I got through it with no mistakes and no-one knew what turmoil I had passed through. Why did this happen? After the concert as I was driving home I came back to the moment and was mildly depressed about my experience. I like to think that I can be in some degree of control over my mental self but yesterday I had none at all.....

I'm reading a brilliant book - 'Conversations on the edge of the Apocalypse' - it's conversations with the world's most important thinkers about their ideas on the future of humanity...whether we will wipe ourselves out or whether we are on the edge of a renaissance. I love it because these people are so desperatley clever that I find myself believing them all as I am swept up in their discussion even if they contradict my feelings - this makes me try harder to form my own opinions more strongly and to use the intelligence and wisdom of others to help me see how I can be a responsible human and be as constructive in my daily living as possible. Noam Chompsky is amazing. When I have finished this book I am going to read lots of his writing - I think he is a brilliantly clear and humane mind.

Idiosyncrasies

Ever since I was really quite small and I watched an episode of a badly made sci-fi series I have had a weird little habit I cannot break. In the programme a character got a little bug from another planet crawl in his ear. It then turned out to be an evil alien bug that lived off human brains and it proceeded to eat the contents of the poor character's skull. Since watching this stupid bit of tv I have not been able to go to sleep without a handful of my hair covering my ears.....just to make it harder for the little nasty alien bugs that live around to get in my ear and eat my mind... This I know is ridiculous and I periodically try to break the habit. Recently it has been really hot at night and I have found it hard to sleep. A couple of times I have tied my hair back to stop myself feeling so sticky - only to find myself unable to sleep because my ears are exposed. Will I ever feel comfortable sleeping lobes bared?

the past is a foreign country....

I got an email today giving me details of a wells reunion happening this summer. I couldn't imagine for a second going. not one second. Even when I see a picture like this one the hairs prickle on the back of my neck....which is weird as some of the time I spent there was fun (especially breaking rules without ever being caught) - and I made friends with a couple of good guys. But mainly I was a vulnerable, shy, withdrawn, unhappy, self-destructive, abused lost soul and that makes me really sad. I don't think about my time there any more - unless there is some kind of stimulus - and I like it that way. I don't really want to know about who I was once and I feel so far removed from that damaged creature that I can exist without thinking of it often at all. Just sometimes I get caught unawares and can feel the scars left from the place are still a little raw - but with the strength of soul I now posses I can patch these scars over pretty well and move on. I am stronger than I was.....but I would never go back to reminisce about 'the good times'.....

idyll

....hot hot sunny summer days... I wish they would never end but I am back to work in a week for six weeks. I know I have nothing to moan about - even when I work I often get most of the day off when we have a performance, and working for such a short finite period is really ok as you have a cut off point to look forward to, and I really love my work.... but I have enjoyed myself so much - particularly this week with my husband off work too (he was supposed to go on tour to Russia but a last-minute cancellation meant that he got to stay home with us and still get paid - perfect!). We have had a lovely happy bonding growing time all three of us together - sharing our lives so intimately and with such joy and love. My life has slowed down and with my focus on my baby bird rather than career (although that doesn't mean I am without ambition still!) I feel that the quality of my life has dramatically improved. I no longer feel the pressures of a capitalist society (much anyway) to achieve and acquire and posses and own. I am lucky to be able to feel this - I know it is a privileged feeling - I have a home and income and a partner to share these responsibilities and so I have a life filled with comfort. I am lucky. I am content.

This is in response to jessica's blog. It is my swiftly created 5-min art therapy picture of me....make of it what you will (and then let me know!) it is done in baby crayons with the ends chewed off for those interested..





...and this is the baby bird on her first trip to the zoo. As a vegan I am not sure I should be visiting zoos really - and I don't often like such places - but this zoo has so many breding programs and seems to be very aware of the animals and conservation issues that I feel calm visiting. And anyway, the baby bird gets SO excited seeing different animals I go to watch her joyous face...everything in moderation hey?!

I know it's soppy but...

So after reading my lovely and special and very precious friends blogs I don't want to wonder about much today...instead I want to let them know how much I value them and how, like these flowers in my little garden, they bring me happiness every day and always show me something beautiful that I hadn't noticed before...


...how in the vast blueness of the sky we can see hope and peacefulness every day whatever is happening...

....and how there remains within us all some kind of pure innocence and joy in experiencing even the smallest things.

I know it's soppy but...

So after reading my lovely and special and very precious friends blogs I don't want to wonder about much today...instead I want to let them know how much I value them and how, like these flowers in my little garden, they bring me happiness every day and always show me something beautiful that I hadn't noticed before...


...how in the vast blueness of the sky we can see hope and peacefulness every day whatever is happening...

....and how there remains within us all some kind of pure innocence and joy in experiencing even the smallest things.

the brink of turbulent peace....

If this is what it is like to have grandparents I am sad that I never experienced it. My baby bird and my mother love each other dearly...they laugh and play and make silly noises until both of them are rolling around laughing. I am so happy for them. I don't get on especially well with my mother - she is an exceptionally warm and caring person and everyone loves her but her relationship with me is damaged and turbulent. I am glad that this doesn't affect them...maybe it will help us in the long run.

I have been given a book I am very excited about. It is called the Tibetan book of Living and Dying and is about Buddhist thought. I am looking forward so much to having some time to really digest it and hopefully become more mindful. I am more and more sure that my life has become so much more meaningful since I became truly vegan and I think that some structured Buddhist thought may begin to clarify some of the muddled ideas I have churning around inside my busy head. I think I may be on the brink of achieving some small degree of peace in my life....


Today we had a little birthday party for the wonderful and lovely people who help to look after the baby bird when we are both working. No-one will accept payment ever and so we wanted to express our thanks by having lots of cakes and fruit salad and bubbles and flowers on our village green. It was nice. Very honest feeling and not extravagant or showy or anything.. I really appreciate these 'normal' people....people who are content with their lives and themselves. I have a lot to learn still from them. And one thing I really really admire is people who can do things in moderation. I am such an extremist and although I think it can be good - I would never have the job I do without being obsessive about my standard of playing and the practice I do for example, I also think I miss things. If I can't do something completely I simply don't do it and therefore miss an experience. It's the same with food - in the past I have made myself eat absolutely nothing and made myself eat vast amounts...it is only now I have a (some would say extreme) structured and 'moral' approach to food that I have settled. The people who live in our village and help with our daughter are so grounded and sensible I love them. They are like solid oak trees and I feel I am some kind of extravagant but shortlived flower. I think I am becoming more aware every day of my behaviour but I still have a way to go.

Do you know my ambition? It's to be a good role model for my baby. Nothing else seems important any more but this is my biggest task yet.

emotional

Today is my daughter's first birthday. It has been a strange day - for me not her - I have found it deeply emotional and I think it is to do with the trauma surrounding her birth. This picture is my favourite picture of any picture ever taken ever... It was taken by my husband just after she was born and just after I had regained consciousness and it looks so peaceful you would never know the extreme emotions we had gone through less than an hour earlier. When I was part way through the last stage of labour the midwife found that every time I had a contraction my little baby bird's heartbeat was going dangerously low - to the point it almost stopped and didn't return to normal. On examination they found that she had the umbilical cord wrapped tightly around her neck and was being strangled every time I had a contraction. The scene became something from an ER drama with doctors and nurses appearing from nowhere to pin me down, shave my pubic hair and knock me out completely - all just at the moment I find out my (deeply connected to me) child is in grave danger of dying. I have never been truly terrified before and never want to shake so uncontrollably again at my feeling of helplessness and desperate despair. And then I was gone - at the most important moment of my life so far - I was unconscious. I can't tell you how sad that makes me. And the horrible feeling of hearing her cry as I drifted back to life but not even being able to open my eyes to see her I was so deeply sedated even though my whole body was straining to go to her....Fortunately she was perfect and her birth did her no physical damage - although I wonder if the trauma will have some deep-routed emotional effect (hence the breastfeeding for as long as she feels she needs it). I have suffered emotionally - not so much about missing her birth any more ( to have her alive and perfect is easy to rationalise about when the alternative was to have had a stillborn baby) but about surgery...about someone of sound mind being able to cut into my flesh and see my internal organs. About someone making that first incision into my soft pregnant belly with a cold sharp metal knife when I am helpless and vulnerable. It feels like an absolute violation - a deep act of violence against me and although I know it was not and although I know it was the only thing to happen I still cannot look at the scar or even touch it, and the thought of it makes me feel sick. I know I have issues (jessica you know more than most) and one day perhaps I will be able to face them but that is why at 20.02 (her birth time) tonight as I write this I find myself crying and unable to objectify my thoughts at all....


This is my other favourite picture of all time. My poor husband went through hell as he was made to sit in a dark room outside the operating theatre yet he was a rock and a star and is our knight in shining armour....