big sleepy emotions
I am so tired. The baby bird has never been a big sleeper but the last couple of nights have been truly terrible...awful. One night she woke up every 40 minutes almost all night - and what is worst about it is that she is not wanting to play or anything stupid like that - she wants to be asleep and so do I!! AH well, today I have bought her some lovely new pyjamas which are beautiful light cotton and I am hopeful that she will only wake a couple of times. She has never been a sleepy baby but I find it really hard when I'm working too.......
Unrelated to sleeping I am having a bit of a sadness at the moment too as I think we may have had our last breastfeeding bonding session. It was on midsummer's eve which is a nice special remembering day and since then I have either been working at her bedtime feed time or she has not asked for it. I have not breastfed her for four days now....I think that is the end of it. My right bosom is SO sore and full of milk it feels like it is twice the size of my head and throbbing in a comical cartoon fashion. Actually, having admitted that I think it is over I am now even more sad. I will never be as close to my beautiful baby bird again and although I know this is a wonderful big step for her into becoming her own blossoming self and depending on me just that little bit less, it also really brings home to me the whole life-cycle thing and the fact that she will one day leave me behind and be able to run and dance as it becomes my turn to wither and die....I am not being melodramatic but I am feeling clearly the bigger picture and therefore my own mortality - as well as the potential love and life my baby bird will have. I don't know, I'm not explaining clearly how I am feeling...I am sad and happy and don't want things to change but do want my baby to grow and thrive. I guess this is one of those letting go moments which is lovely but I love her SO much. I don't think she will ever know just how deep my love for her is.
posted by raven at 7:58 pm
3 Comments:
Me too Jessica. I just took the baby bird for a long walk and thought of you almost all the way...interesting isn't it?
We ARe going to have more children...partly because I think being an only child has quite a few disadvantages and partly because I have realised that my idea of total contentment is to have a house full of people going in and out chaotically but with love and joy. Actually we had a serious conversation about it recently and we are going to go for having another one quite soon I think...watch this space - soon I will have a flock of baby birds!
I decided on my walk that the reason people sometimes attack you for seeming smug and vain is because you have a way of talking about your life which could make other people feel insecure and unworthy almost - just because you are pleased with yourself (on the days when you are). I think next time someone tells you you aren't filling your potential you should read it as them being jealous that you are taking care of the important things in life and they have somehow become stuck in capitalist society....
Hi Raven - this still feels strange to me because this blogging world is such an interesting phenomena - being part of someone's journal or private correspondence because Jessica one day gave me her blog address even though she doesn't know me very well . . . . . having said that, I was moved by your reflections on weaning your lovely daughter. I remember, especially with my second and last child, feeling like I needed some kind of ritual leaving behind that piece of my life. I also remember that sense that from the moment we give birth there is a continiuing separation and individuation - and now my babies are 16 and 12. Both very amazing human beings out there living their lives and i often just feel amazingly lucky to know them and be close to them and look at these big bodies and find it hard to believe that once they lived inside me . . . . . . (Jessica I don't think motherhood is the only way to experience deep rich female wisdom - but it is one way) Now I am at the other end of that cycle - pre-menopausal body craziness, sort of scared of ageing and losing some of that bloody, milky, smoothskinned female mystery . . . . . but also excited by what might be in these next stages of living.
so, you mystery person on the other side of this planet. Thank-you for sharing your life!
~Robin ~
Thank you Robin. I have found breastfeeding an intense and totally life-changing experience and am absolutely grateful that I have had the chance to be this close to my baby girl. In fact after talking to my husband about it I have realised that I will not be losing much by not breastfeeding as he sagely reminded me that he has never breastfed our daughter yet he and her are extremely close! I do, however, think that it is the most beautiful thing and to let it go is hard - I think I posted a while back about the continuous letting go from birth onwards but I guess this has been the first time I have really felt the wrench of it. Still, I won't get sad any more - she is a joy to be near and like you say I am lucky to be such an important person in her life.... please post more, I think I like you!
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