the brink of turbulent peace....

If this is what it is like to have grandparents I am sad that I never experienced it. My baby bird and my mother love each other dearly...they laugh and play and make silly noises until both of them are rolling around laughing. I am so happy for them. I don't get on especially well with my mother - she is an exceptionally warm and caring person and everyone loves her but her relationship with me is damaged and turbulent. I am glad that this doesn't affect them...maybe it will help us in the long run.

I have been given a book I am very excited about. It is called the Tibetan book of Living and Dying and is about Buddhist thought. I am looking forward so much to having some time to really digest it and hopefully become more mindful. I am more and more sure that my life has become so much more meaningful since I became truly vegan and I think that some structured Buddhist thought may begin to clarify some of the muddled ideas I have churning around inside my busy head. I think I may be on the brink of achieving some small degree of peace in my life....


Today we had a little birthday party for the wonderful and lovely people who help to look after the baby bird when we are both working. No-one will accept payment ever and so we wanted to express our thanks by having lots of cakes and fruit salad and bubbles and flowers on our village green. It was nice. Very honest feeling and not extravagant or showy or anything.. I really appreciate these 'normal' people....people who are content with their lives and themselves. I have a lot to learn still from them. And one thing I really really admire is people who can do things in moderation. I am such an extremist and although I think it can be good - I would never have the job I do without being obsessive about my standard of playing and the practice I do for example, I also think I miss things. If I can't do something completely I simply don't do it and therefore miss an experience. It's the same with food - in the past I have made myself eat absolutely nothing and made myself eat vast amounts...it is only now I have a (some would say extreme) structured and 'moral' approach to food that I have settled. The people who live in our village and help with our daughter are so grounded and sensible I love them. They are like solid oak trees and I feel I am some kind of extravagant but shortlived flower. I think I am becoming more aware every day of my behaviour but I still have a way to go.

Do you know my ambition? It's to be a good role model for my baby. Nothing else seems important any more but this is my biggest task yet.