the past is a foreign country....
I got an email today giving me details of a wells reunion happening this summer. I couldn't imagine for a second going. not one second. Even when I see a picture like this one the hairs prickle on the back of my neck....which is weird as some of the time I spent there was fun (especially breaking rules without ever being caught) - and I made friends with a couple of good guys. But mainly I was a vulnerable, shy, withdrawn, unhappy, self-destructive, abused lost soul and that makes me really sad. I don't think about my time there any more - unless there is some kind of stimulus - and I like it that way. I don't really want to know about who I was once and I feel so far removed from that damaged creature that I can exist without thinking of it often at all. Just sometimes I get caught unawares and can feel the scars left from the place are still a little raw - but with the strength of soul I now posses I can patch these scars over pretty well and move on. I am stronger than I was.....but I would never go back to reminisce about 'the good times'.....
posted by raven at 7:17 pm
3 Comments:
I am happy that I was there for you jessica. I remember stongly us going for walks early in the morning before our exams and the chats we had in funny places....and the picture of a diseased foot you had on the wall above your desk! Obviously that was part of the good bit about wells (you not the foot). I am mildly jealous of IS - the way you put it sounds like I served you a purpose and then you went elsewhere for your entertainment! Ah well! I don't mind:) I'll be there for you forever....
I have to say that I didn't realise just how close the two of you were at school. Well, I was at my most self-absorbed then so perhaps not good at absorbing such things. Or is memory the problem perhaps? Anyway, I am so happy to be finding out so much about you both now. I feel so much nostalgia (literally pain - algos - because I can't go back/remember it as fully/completely as I'd like) for the intense, fun, weird, happy times I spent with Jessica (and James) in Wells.
Wells was also a very painful and difficult time for me in so many ways - but there have been worse times since. Actually it's not comparable. It could only be comparable if I'd somehow been the same age twice, because time means we're always changing - changing in our responses and the way we live things.
I was so happy to leave for the 6th form and go to a new school where I could 'start all over'. I became a much more confident person then - but only through hiding insecurities. That was a difficult time too, especially the first year!
I want to revisit Wells again and take JB because it's an important part of me - my home for 7 years and so formative.
But, I think of the school as a rather terrible place, full of harmful forces (positive ones too - especially [strangely] the outdoor activities - climbing etc.) and problems. It got a lot better for me when I stopped being a boarder, but that was also when I had to go through a painful experience of exclusion too...
I'm sad to hear about your pain - but one good thing came out of it - your friendship with each other.
I know Jessica...I was feeling vulnerable and just reading my own insecurities in what you wrote....
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