round and round the garden...

So I haven't posted for a while because I have had just one thing on my mind recently and I have felt that I have been too wound up in the situation to be able to see it clearly. I also feel it is a subject which is sensitive and perhaps should not be explored on a blog at all. However, I have been removed from the situation for a few days now and feel that I am emotionally clear enough to try to express myself honestly but without too much bias and perhaps unravel things a little more as I do so...

I love being a mother and I hate being a daughter. Especially since I have been a mother. My relationship with my mother has been fraught for years and I find it hard to pinpoint where it started to go wrong - it used to be such a good relationship. I know where she thinks it went wrong but I think the foundations were laid long before then. I feel so much guilt and yet - I realised very recently - I am also so angry with her and the sad thing about that is that I am angry about something over which she has no control. I realised that I feel I have had to support my mother emotionally for years - since I was very young and not sure what I was supposed to do to make things better when she wouldn't stop crying - and I don't want to do it any more....ironically as I am much better equipped now. I have realised that I want her to be dominant, assured, independent, strong, secure. But she is not and never will be - she can't be and I can see that clearly but still feel resentment that she is not those things for me. I know I am strong, secure, independent and assured but sometimes I feel it is out of necessity and it is tiring. I am glad that I will be those things for my daughter and I am confident that I will not rely on her emotionally (I must acknowledge that this is easier for me as I have a husband to share things with when my mother was alone) - ever as I know what a toll it takes. And I know that as I can cope with being a support for my mother I should be..and I will be..but I get so angry about it. And since I have been a mother and can experience how totally incredible it is to have a child I have felt more and more guilt about how she must have this feeling towards me and cannot see it reciprocated well enough. I feel as if I treat her badly - I am not 'there' enough, patient enough, empathic enough, kind enough but I also feel burnt out....we have been staying with her recently - first while I was working and she was minding the baby bird and then my husband came down and we had a mini holiday and celebrated her birthday. A whole sequence of events too long and complex to relate here resulted in my feeling terrible and my knowing that she knew I was angry and exasperated with her but her not knowing why and her big teary cow-eyes making me feel terrible about harbouring any bad feeling towards her at all yet her making the most ridiculous demands on me and resorting to what felt like emotional blackmail. It all sounds so trivial here but at one point my whole body was shaking with rage and frustration. And when I am holding my beautiful baby bird and rocking her back to sleep in the middle of the night I think of my mother doing the same with me and how sad it is that things have changed so much. Of course I love her and of course she loves me but it is all so complicated and fraught now....

umbrellas

This should have been yesterday's post. I was allowed to join an impromptu picnic between our rehearsal and our concert even though I had very little to offer. In fact all I had was the blue tub of seeds and the four apples next to it. I felt really happy to be part of such a nice and good group of people...



This is my lovely friend who I have really gotten to know this summer through work. I am not working in the south again any time soon and it makes me sad to think I won't see her so often in the near future. She makes me want to be a better person all the time but she also makes me feel good about myself - isn't that odd? We also exchange seaweed and wholesome recipes.
We went to the sea on a not so nice day but I love it like this...not so many tourists and lots of space and wind.



Today I went on a bit of a beautiful shopping spree and bought lots of autumny clothes for the baby bird. I love providing for her and trying to create the idyllic childhood we revere so much....

bathing in moonlight

I wish I could take credit for this photo but it was actually taken by my lovely friend who has the pink everlasting pea..


I have just returned to my mother's house after the last of the ridiculous partiotic concerts for this year although tonight I really enjoyed it....we gave ourselves little challenges (or at least I forced people into carrying out my little challeges!) during the concert which would be far to geeky and unfunny to describe - but I was crying with laughter and my sides and face hurt from laughing so much. What a glorious feeling it is to laugh until you hurt. I was surrounded by people who I feel accept me and can understand why I try to do things the way I do and they are people I respect very much. How content I feel tonight.

This isn't at all what I was going to blog about today. This is night time rambling....I shall wait unti morning and I can upload some more pictures.

pink everlasting pea

Everything is so hectic right now...I was all ready to spend an evening relating our camping experiences and then my computer suddenly developed a terminal condition and died. Fortunately we just had time to rescue all my documents and photos but then I was computerless...then I got a very unexpected tax rebate which has allowed me to get a beautiful new ibook - although I got it yesterday morning on my way back down south to work which is where I have been today and it is only this evening that I have been able to play around on it. breathe in. and out. Now I have time I am too tired to post what I wanted to but it's ok as work made a mistake and I am no longer needed tomorrow - although I am booked under contract so I will be paid anyway. Perfect. And it means that when it comes to the evening I will be awake enough to - at last - post a decent blog entry.
I finished early today and so had a rare magical hour where my mother was out with my baby bird and I was free of all responsibility. I went up the road to our lovely friend's house and sat in her pretty cottage garden with some coffee and good conversation. She mentioned a flower she has called the pink everlasting pea.....what a perfect name. Like a fairytale vegetable with magic powers or something....

I'll write about these pictures and post some more tomorrow. We've just returned from a camping adventure in the scottish mountains with our buddhist friend....