round and round the garden...
So I haven't posted for a while because I have had just one thing on my mind recently and I have felt that I have been too wound up in the situation to be able to see it clearly. I also feel it is a subject which is sensitive and perhaps should not be explored on a blog at all. However, I have been removed from the situation for a few days now and feel that I am emotionally clear enough to try to express myself honestly but without too much bias and perhaps unravel things a little more as I do so...
I love being a mother and I hate being a daughter. Especially since I have been a mother. My relationship with my mother has been fraught for years and I find it hard to pinpoint where it started to go wrong - it used to be such a good relationship. I know where she thinks it went wrong but I think the foundations were laid long before then. I feel so much guilt and yet - I realised very recently - I am also so angry with her and the sad thing about that is that I am angry about something over which she has no control. I realised that I feel I have had to support my mother emotionally for years - since I was very young and not sure what I was supposed to do to make things better when she wouldn't stop crying - and I don't want to do it any more....ironically as I am much better equipped now. I have realised that I want her to be dominant, assured, independent, strong, secure. But she is not and never will be - she can't be and I can see that clearly but still feel resentment that she is not those things for me. I know I am strong, secure, independent and assured but sometimes I feel it is out of necessity and it is tiring. I am glad that I will be those things for my daughter and I am confident that I will not rely on her emotionally (I must acknowledge that this is easier for me as I have a husband to share things with when my mother was alone) - ever as I know what a toll it takes. And I know that as I can cope with being a support for my mother I should be..and I will be..but I get so angry about it. And since I have been a mother and can experience how totally incredible it is to have a child I have felt more and more guilt about how she must have this feeling towards me and cannot see it reciprocated well enough. I feel as if I treat her badly - I am not 'there' enough, patient enough, empathic enough, kind enough but I also feel burnt out....we have been staying with her recently - first while I was working and she was minding the baby bird and then my husband came down and we had a mini holiday and celebrated her birthday. A whole sequence of events too long and complex to relate here resulted in my feeling terrible and my knowing that she knew I was angry and exasperated with her but her not knowing why and her big teary cow-eyes making me feel terrible about harbouring any bad feeling towards her at all yet her making the most ridiculous demands on me and resorting to what felt like emotional blackmail. It all sounds so trivial here but at one point my whole body was shaking with rage and frustration. And when I am holding my beautiful baby bird and rocking her back to sleep in the middle of the night I think of my mother doing the same with me and how sad it is that things have changed so much. Of course I love her and of course she loves me but it is all so complicated and fraught now....
I love being a mother and I hate being a daughter. Especially since I have been a mother. My relationship with my mother has been fraught for years and I find it hard to pinpoint where it started to go wrong - it used to be such a good relationship. I know where she thinks it went wrong but I think the foundations were laid long before then. I feel so much guilt and yet - I realised very recently - I am also so angry with her and the sad thing about that is that I am angry about something over which she has no control. I realised that I feel I have had to support my mother emotionally for years - since I was very young and not sure what I was supposed to do to make things better when she wouldn't stop crying - and I don't want to do it any more....ironically as I am much better equipped now. I have realised that I want her to be dominant, assured, independent, strong, secure. But she is not and never will be - she can't be and I can see that clearly but still feel resentment that she is not those things for me. I know I am strong, secure, independent and assured but sometimes I feel it is out of necessity and it is tiring. I am glad that I will be those things for my daughter and I am confident that I will not rely on her emotionally (I must acknowledge that this is easier for me as I have a husband to share things with when my mother was alone) - ever as I know what a toll it takes. And I know that as I can cope with being a support for my mother I should be..and I will be..but I get so angry about it. And since I have been a mother and can experience how totally incredible it is to have a child I have felt more and more guilt about how she must have this feeling towards me and cannot see it reciprocated well enough. I feel as if I treat her badly - I am not 'there' enough, patient enough, empathic enough, kind enough but I also feel burnt out....we have been staying with her recently - first while I was working and she was minding the baby bird and then my husband came down and we had a mini holiday and celebrated her birthday. A whole sequence of events too long and complex to relate here resulted in my feeling terrible and my knowing that she knew I was angry and exasperated with her but her not knowing why and her big teary cow-eyes making me feel terrible about harbouring any bad feeling towards her at all yet her making the most ridiculous demands on me and resorting to what felt like emotional blackmail. It all sounds so trivial here but at one point my whole body was shaking with rage and frustration. And when I am holding my beautiful baby bird and rocking her back to sleep in the middle of the night I think of my mother doing the same with me and how sad it is that things have changed so much. Of course I love her and of course she loves me but it is all so complicated and fraught now....
posted by raven at 8:32 pm
5 Comments:
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I knew you would have strong opinions on this subject. In some degree I agree with you - you are right about the owing nothing....I feel strongly that way about the baby bird and want nothing more than to enjoy the process of letting her go to fly freely through her life and I guess I don't fully disagree with anything you have said but I do feel you have perhaps created a set of rules and the problem with rules is that they don't cater for individual circumstances. If I came across my mother as a stranger I would want to be involved in her life - she is caring, creative, interesting, eccentric etc and vulnerable. I would do more to be kind to her. As it is I am unable to behave the way I want to towards her because of my deep rooted feelings. This doesn't mean I wouldn't be there for her - I always am but I get twisted inside. I have tried not seeing her but it makes me feel worse - I guess the emotional blackmail is embedded or something. Anyway, now I am home again the feelings are all much less intense and it will all blow over. I don't have your ability to focus on the self so intensely and so cannnot behave like you - and even if I could I think it wouldn't make me feel better. No, the best I can do is understand the situation fully and make sure that I use the experience to make sure the baby bird becomes the beautiful person she is capable of being without me damaging her too much.
There are so many things in our family situation that are difficult. I was going to post tonight about my father (still might)...sometimes I feel very strong about it all and find it fascinating and funny the nucleus of people I come from..other times I find it all too much. I guess I have been vulnerable recently and just let things get to me a bit too much. Back to normal now though!
thanks for your thoughts. I wanted to hear them and appreciate all the thoughts you have to offer me...
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Dear Raven,
I know you have spent a lot of time with your mother this summer and I think it's beyond the bounds of most people to do that and not feel really huge stresses. I'm lucky - I came from a 'stable' family (although my parents were not happy for many years), but I still could not, and have not spent more than 2 or 3 consecutive days with them since I left home at 18. Even then, I would always come away wishing I'd been nicer. I think you should try to avoid the situation which makes you so unhappy. Is it easier when your mum visits you? And is it easier when your husband is around?
I think it's natural that the huge amount of emotional energy you put into being a mother leaves little for supporting a parent, so love her from afar while you can and don't beat yourself up too much for being human!! You are not responsible for your mother. No, you are not.
Wow the honesty of your blog gives me something to aspire to.
"Also- as her child- you owe her nothing. Just like your daughter owes you nothing. It was her choice to bring a life into the world- you didn't chose to be born".
A counsellor I was seeing in late 2003 told me this and at first I didn't buy it but when it finally sank in that she was right I realised that it what was one of the most important things that I learnt from her (and she taught me a lot). I'm hesitating to give advice because I'm not qualified to do so; I guess I just wanted to reinforce hazel's comment as your relationship with your parents sounds similar to mine and since taking my counsellor's advice my relationship with me parents has improved - I hope yours does too xx
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