family dynamics

So today was interesting. We had a good midwife appointment - finally my blood pressure is normal and not too low which I kind of expected because I haven't been feeling as dizzy or bloodless recently. The baby has grown loads but not too much...if I lie down I can feel it really easily and it is beginning to show when I wear certain clothes. I also have moments where I think I can feel something...how exciting!
Then we had to go and visit the crazy selfish blunt and oversensitive sister-in-law. And the In-Laws. Oh god. I am so far the outsider in that family. As an example of what kind of folk they are - the baby bird's grandparents don't and have never had passports - they are all so 'northern' in their outlook and so so so small minded. I always find it hard but with my current angry feelings towards the sister I was really not looking forward to this visit where we were obviously expected to coo and congratulate the perfect people on their perfect lives etc. Anyway, I had decided to dig deep into my toes and rise above it all. If the question of our midwifery care arose I had decided to just behave as though no-one had spoken thus avoid an angry response. As is was I managed to deflect conversation of our current pregnancy care fairly smoothly, and more interestingly got to watch the new mother with her own mother and I was horrified...no wonder she is terrified and clueless...the poor sister has so little support from her own mother and she is far to proud to ask for help from anyone. She constantly had her mother going on and on about how the baby did nothing but sleep and was 'no fun' - the 12 day old baby this is - what was she expecting? and most revealingly the sister felt she had to breastfed her baby upstairs away from us all - that is her parents, husband, niece and brother (and me)...that spoke volumes to me. Instead of exchanging cross words with her I found myself defending her from her parents and trying to reassure her that no new parent knows what they are doing or finds it easy. I am still angry with her but now I am more sad. Sad that I could have been her biggest ally - her crutch, her knowledge, her whatever she needed, but after the way she has treated us in the last few months and particularly her recent comments re. our unborn child and our antenatal care I feel I must shield myself and my family from her destructive negativity. I will merely endeavor to be the best auntie a child can imagine....

sugar and spice and all things nice...

So while I was out at work playing obscure 20th century music my husband and the baby bird were getting all seasonal and making the (very not vegan) christmas cake for when all our family come to visit. I think they had a lovely time and even though I can never see them alone together I get the feeling that they both really cherish their uninterrupted time and I love that.

I dearly dearly love my little sweet family

death of a lamb

I had a very vivid dream recently and the more I think about it the more I realise how symbolic it was and how I wish I could recreate it to get another look at the inside of my mind. It centred around the fact that I was back at school and had to produce a 60 page document that could be fiction or fact. I was under a lot of pressure for it to be really good but I had no ideas until I was sent to buy some sausages from an abbertoire. On the way to the butcher's counter I walked past a room that I wasn't supposed to look into but I did anyway and in it there were lots of men in white skinning a live lamb strung from the ceiling. At the same time other men were underneath this scarlet and dripping lamb raping a young woman and cutting into her skin with the butchers cleavers. I decided to write my paper through the eyes of a woman who whilst she was being raped metamorphed into a lamb at the moment of slaughter and describe their related feelings and emotions of subjection/invasion/aggression and hopelessness and helplessness. I think that pretty much transparrently suggests a lot of things to me and makes pots of connections. I know it's a bit gory but I thought you might find it a bit interesting.....

I just read a brilliant book. Phillip Roth's 'The Plot against America'.....there was so much American (and world) history I didn't know about that I feel stupid for not knowing but I have long since felt that my education in history is scanty and poor and am constantly trying to become less ignorant. But it was also brilliant in a personal and narrative way. My wise old father has often told me that Roth is well worth reading and yet again he was right.

My sister-in-law gave birth to a baby girl on Friday - Rosie Madeline - I am happy for them but there are a lot of mixed feelings. Firstly I am always sad when I hear of someone having a nice normal birth.....obviously overjoyed for them but every time it feels like a little twist in my heart re. the baby bird's birth. And my sister in law has been very cross with me and my husband recently and we are not really sure why we are the vent for her anxiety/sadness/anger or whatever heightened emotive state she has been going through. That makes it quite hard to know what she thinks is the right thing for us to do - we seem to have to double guess her and behave in a particular way or else we are accused of blah blah blah. Talk of walking on eggshells. My poor husband has been quite stressed about it - the last thing he would ever want to do is hurt her. I think it's all to do with me somehow but I can't quite yet work out what threat she sees in me.

What a mundane post. Perhaps I will be enlightened soon...

we're here - you just can't see us....

Oh, to be a better blogger...

I wish I was blogging more right now. I want to so often but just never seem to get the time to sit down with my thoughts and the computer and time enough to put them together...I feel negligent that I am not in touch with my friends as much as I want to be and that all these lovely (and not lovely) experiences are passing by and I can't even credit them enough as my blogging time is so scanty these days. It will all change soon though as my husband is about to embark on another tour and so will be away for almost all of december and january....long evenings to myself then. nice and not nice.
We had a lovely midwife visit last monday. I am so glad I have taken things so much in my own hands and we have got our own care. They are so lovely and wholesome and I always feel a little stronger after they have been. So that was great. Then I drove down to my mother's and flip I don't know what's going on with her and me but she is driving me up the wall and across the ceiling and back down again. So I was stressed the whole week as I was working down there and the baby bird was being looked after by mum. The only good thing is their relationship with each other - pure adoration. We got back to the village in time for the fireworks party which was lovely. The baby bird loves them - saying 'whee' for every cracker and 'more more' at the end of every one...she even managed to stay awake an extra hour to see them all - unheard of! And then today was the baby bird's little friend's first birthday party which was sweet, chaotic and reinforced my feeling that lots of other mums all together can be a hideous experience if you let all their niggling insecurities get to you (I don't - I find it funny but I do cringe a bit). So that's it in a concentrated, unsatisfatory, shallow and abridged kind of way but at least it's something....