family dynamics
So today was interesting. We had a good midwife appointment - finally my blood pressure is normal and not too low which I kind of expected because I haven't been feeling as dizzy or bloodless recently. The baby has grown loads but not too much...if I lie down I can feel it really easily and it is beginning to show when I wear certain clothes. I also have moments where I think I can feel something...how exciting!
Then we had to go and visit the crazy selfish blunt and oversensitive sister-in-law. And the In-Laws. Oh god. I am so far the outsider in that family. As an example of what kind of folk they are - the baby bird's grandparents don't and have never had passports - they are all so 'northern' in their outlook and so so so small minded. I always find it hard but with my current angry feelings towards the sister I was really not looking forward to this visit where we were obviously expected to coo and congratulate the perfect people on their perfect lives etc. Anyway, I had decided to dig deep into my toes and rise above it all. If the question of our midwifery care arose I had decided to just behave as though no-one had spoken thus avoid an angry response. As is was I managed to deflect conversation of our current pregnancy care fairly smoothly, and more interestingly got to watch the new mother with her own mother and I was horrified...no wonder she is terrified and clueless...the poor sister has so little support from her own mother and she is far to proud to ask for help from anyone. She constantly had her mother going on and on about how the baby did nothing but sleep and was 'no fun' - the 12 day old baby this is - what was she expecting? and most revealingly the sister felt she had to breastfed her baby upstairs away from us all - that is her parents, husband, niece and brother (and me)...that spoke volumes to me. Instead of exchanging cross words with her I found myself defending her from her parents and trying to reassure her that no new parent knows what they are doing or finds it easy. I am still angry with her but now I am more sad. Sad that I could have been her biggest ally - her crutch, her knowledge, her whatever she needed, but after the way she has treated us in the last few months and particularly her recent comments re. our unborn child and our antenatal care I feel I must shield myself and my family from her destructive negativity. I will merely endeavor to be the best auntie a child can imagine....
Then we had to go and visit the crazy selfish blunt and oversensitive sister-in-law. And the In-Laws. Oh god. I am so far the outsider in that family. As an example of what kind of folk they are - the baby bird's grandparents don't and have never had passports - they are all so 'northern' in their outlook and so so so small minded. I always find it hard but with my current angry feelings towards the sister I was really not looking forward to this visit where we were obviously expected to coo and congratulate the perfect people on their perfect lives etc. Anyway, I had decided to dig deep into my toes and rise above it all. If the question of our midwifery care arose I had decided to just behave as though no-one had spoken thus avoid an angry response. As is was I managed to deflect conversation of our current pregnancy care fairly smoothly, and more interestingly got to watch the new mother with her own mother and I was horrified...no wonder she is terrified and clueless...the poor sister has so little support from her own mother and she is far to proud to ask for help from anyone. She constantly had her mother going on and on about how the baby did nothing but sleep and was 'no fun' - the 12 day old baby this is - what was she expecting? and most revealingly the sister felt she had to breastfed her baby upstairs away from us all - that is her parents, husband, niece and brother (and me)...that spoke volumes to me. Instead of exchanging cross words with her I found myself defending her from her parents and trying to reassure her that no new parent knows what they are doing or finds it easy. I am still angry with her but now I am more sad. Sad that I could have been her biggest ally - her crutch, her knowledge, her whatever she needed, but after the way she has treated us in the last few months and particularly her recent comments re. our unborn child and our antenatal care I feel I must shield myself and my family from her destructive negativity. I will merely endeavor to be the best auntie a child can imagine....
posted by raven at 9:17 pm
1 Comments:
Parenting is such a big subject and the biggest thing I've learnt is that from the outside you can never judge another parent as you have no idea about their circumstances/support network whatever....people do what they do to cope and manage and sadly I think what is most often missing is community support whether from neighbours, friends or extended family. Also, this ridiculous capitalist desire to be best and perfect puts so much pressure on parents to do things 'right' when in reality we all know right for one is wrong for another so all these stupid parenting books are harmful more than helpful. People have lost their ability to trust and acknowledge their instincts.
I am lucky in so many ways. My parents, although unorthodox in many ways, have been on the most basic level wonderful parental models - instilling a strong feeling of love, self-worth and no pressure to be anything other than what we are. They have obviously failed in other ways but then every parent does..I feel confident as a parent and, importantly, know that I have people everywhere who will support us (except in our antental care but they will come round!)...blah blah.
I have no idea how my husband grew from his family - he is an absolute cuckoo.
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