so so unfair.
Today has been one of the worst and most complicated days I've had for a long time. Right now my eyes are burning from having cried and having tried to contain tears for so long and I have that rubbish post-stress headache. I feel defeated, rejected and a catalogue of other negative emotions. I hate feeling this way. So, I'll get it off my chest here, try to work out the best plan of action whilst doing so and rely on getting a bit of fuzzy warm supportive feedback to make me feel better(!)
It all started when someone at work who I am pretty good friends with (if it's a little one-sided and I am more her emotional crutch and support than she is anything for me) accidentally knocked my very very very expensive and pretty rare flute off my chair in a break and damaged it farily badly (some of it I have fixed myself this evening but one big dent is, I think, unrepairable). She is also a flute player and so knew exactly what she had done. I was shocked but not so much so that I allowed myself to react the way I felt...instead I just stayed cool and said for her not to worry and accidents happen etc. Actually I was totally furious, disbelieving she could have been so careless and flippant in her apology and desperately worried. However, to save her feeling more guilty than she need to I absolutely withheld my reaction and was totally rational and understanding. So the rehearsal progressed and I knew something was wrong with my flute but figured there was no point bothering about it too much until I could get it home and really find out what was wrong with it and try to fix it. She kept asking if it was ok and I said repeatedly yes but not quite perfect - I was honest in other words. At lunch time she wouldn't talk to me as she wanted to play my flute to see what was wrong but I just didn't want her to touch it - or anyone else - I was feeling protective over it and not really wanting to know about the damage done until I could do something about it. Anyway, her behaviour was making me feel guilty (which made me cross seeing as I'd done nothing wrong and was trying to spare her emotions and not make a fuss or let anyone else know what had happened to save her embarassment). What did I get in return for my efforts? Her shouting at me right before the afternoon rehearsal began that I was trying to make HER SUFFER by not letting her play my flute....when I expressed my amazement at this sentiment she got more and more angry at me and couldn't even look at me. And when I finally let myself show a tiny bit of my anger by saying I was sorry I wasn't behaving in the way she wanted me to she practically screamed at me to shut up shut up shut up. And then spent the rest of the afternoon refusing to speak to me or look at me and running away at the end of the day so we couldn't even try to patch things up. Of course the moment I got in my car I burst into floods of tears. I felt/feel guilty she feels so badly towards me but I am also furious that yet again I am not respected enough for my anger/frustration/whatever reaction to be valid enough to warrant an apology. And I know from experience that now she will be incapable of sorting this out and I will have to go to her and try to patch things up and apologise to her for I'm not sure what. I rang my dad and he said that perhaps my insisting everything was not too bad and denying her the chance to play my flute and attempt to reassure herself that all was well could have been interpreted by her as cold and insensitive. My husband agrees. Ironic then that I did it to try to spare her feelings of guilt. They both say I should be the one to rectify the situation as I can probably see it more clearly that she. I know they are right so I have contacted her and tried to let her know the flute will be fine, I was trying to be nice, I am not angry, I am sorry and want us to patch things up. I have had no response. Actually I am furious and defeated and sad and misunderstood and frustrated and tense and blah blah blah aaaaaaaggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh. Yet again I have to be the bigger person. Yet again I have to succumb to try to resolve a situation because I can deal with it and see it better than others but fuck. When do I get to have people trying to make me feel good???? And let's not forget than my beautiful flute has a dinger of a dent in it still....
It all started when someone at work who I am pretty good friends with (if it's a little one-sided and I am more her emotional crutch and support than she is anything for me) accidentally knocked my very very very expensive and pretty rare flute off my chair in a break and damaged it farily badly (some of it I have fixed myself this evening but one big dent is, I think, unrepairable). She is also a flute player and so knew exactly what she had done. I was shocked but not so much so that I allowed myself to react the way I felt...instead I just stayed cool and said for her not to worry and accidents happen etc. Actually I was totally furious, disbelieving she could have been so careless and flippant in her apology and desperately worried. However, to save her feeling more guilty than she need to I absolutely withheld my reaction and was totally rational and understanding. So the rehearsal progressed and I knew something was wrong with my flute but figured there was no point bothering about it too much until I could get it home and really find out what was wrong with it and try to fix it. She kept asking if it was ok and I said repeatedly yes but not quite perfect - I was honest in other words. At lunch time she wouldn't talk to me as she wanted to play my flute to see what was wrong but I just didn't want her to touch it - or anyone else - I was feeling protective over it and not really wanting to know about the damage done until I could do something about it. Anyway, her behaviour was making me feel guilty (which made me cross seeing as I'd done nothing wrong and was trying to spare her emotions and not make a fuss or let anyone else know what had happened to save her embarassment). What did I get in return for my efforts? Her shouting at me right before the afternoon rehearsal began that I was trying to make HER SUFFER by not letting her play my flute....when I expressed my amazement at this sentiment she got more and more angry at me and couldn't even look at me. And when I finally let myself show a tiny bit of my anger by saying I was sorry I wasn't behaving in the way she wanted me to she practically screamed at me to shut up shut up shut up. And then spent the rest of the afternoon refusing to speak to me or look at me and running away at the end of the day so we couldn't even try to patch things up. Of course the moment I got in my car I burst into floods of tears. I felt/feel guilty she feels so badly towards me but I am also furious that yet again I am not respected enough for my anger/frustration/whatever reaction to be valid enough to warrant an apology. And I know from experience that now she will be incapable of sorting this out and I will have to go to her and try to patch things up and apologise to her for I'm not sure what. I rang my dad and he said that perhaps my insisting everything was not too bad and denying her the chance to play my flute and attempt to reassure herself that all was well could have been interpreted by her as cold and insensitive. My husband agrees. Ironic then that I did it to try to spare her feelings of guilt. They both say I should be the one to rectify the situation as I can probably see it more clearly that she. I know they are right so I have contacted her and tried to let her know the flute will be fine, I was trying to be nice, I am not angry, I am sorry and want us to patch things up. I have had no response. Actually I am furious and defeated and sad and misunderstood and frustrated and tense and blah blah blah aaaaaaaggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh. Yet again I have to be the bigger person. Yet again I have to succumb to try to resolve a situation because I can deal with it and see it better than others but fuck. When do I get to have people trying to make me feel good???? And let's not forget than my beautiful flute has a dinger of a dent in it still....
posted by raven at 7:27 pm
6 Comments:
I'm so happy that you get so much joy from your daughter... That's so wonderful and special...
Now- about the other thing. I don't know what to say to make you feel better, but I do know what my reaction was to your story.
I think it's almost always the best recipe, when strong emotions are involved to: admit/say what you're feeling, and make a request (and to in some way communicate that you are ‘taking responsibility’ for your feelings. Kindof like “qualifying” that your feelings are not the other person's responsibility (accidents happen- no problem). Although it sounds like you focus almost too heavily on this part.)
And also- when anger is one of the feelings- it’s important to admit that (most people, including you, are far too ashamed to do this- but it normally causes worse damage if you deny it/lie), but also mention a second feeling that you are experiencing, so that the other person doesn't feel too threatened that you’re just feeling angry (anger is a secondary emotion anyway- protecting us from fear or sadness or both- so mention both or one of those others too- so they understand that your anger is protective not aggressive).
For example.
"wow- I know it's just an accident, and I'm not blaming you. But I am feeling uptight and a bit worried" (you can always use euphemisms for anger- easier for others to hear- but still gets the point across) "and probably will until I figure out what's wrong with it." (now for the request)- "I know you probably feel terrible about this accident- but because I'm feeling kindof shitty about it too, and just want to relax and sort it out- can we please not talk about it for a little while, so that I can just calm down by myself and figure out what's wrong with it by myself?"
(and if she persists or argues you can say things like- “You know as well as I do how expensive these fuckers are.. so I'm sure you understand my sensitivity. But please don't take on any of my upset- I'm really not blaming you- I just want some space though right now, thanks.")
The main points being that if you make a request- then it’s a way that they can emotionally ‘repair’ the situation for themselves- you help them unload their guilt about the situation- no matter how trivial your request (and you also can feel a symbolic sense of reparation from them honoring your request) (and it feels normal to everyone, because it's normal human behavior that feels good for people to do). Also- by admitting your emotions- it becomes clear to them why you are behaving however you need to behave in that moment.
You know all this… but I think communication points like these are important to understand- because they make so much difference. Don’t you agree? If you keep running into the same situation- where you are always having to be ‘the emotionally strong/contained one’ then maybe you could try setting some new types of boundaries with the way you communicate, so that you are given more space to grieve your pain, instead of always accommodating others in grieving theirs.
And after all that I forgot to say how sorry I am that you feel so terrible! I wish I had been there to wipe your tears, make you tea, get you a blanket, make you a snack, listen to you, and tell you what bitches everyone else is! They suck, you rule! :-)
And... I thought there was another thing I'd forgotten.. I'll remember it later if there was.
Hope you're having a nice sleep (like baby bird is in that picture... ♥)
thanks mrs therapy!
I think in my attempt to get it all down on paper(as it were!) I was too rushed to explain fully how I behaved. Your example response was almost exactly what I said but I also didn't explain fully how emotionally stunted this woman is and how reactionary and self-involved she can be. My husband really finds her difficult to be around (as do lots of people) as she is so involved in herself and often totally unreasonable. Therefore my reaction was directly tailored to her as I knew this was going to be a very difficult situation for her to handle. Also the environment we were in dictates a certain sort of behaviour and my telling her how I felt would have resulted in a huge blow-out from her which would have possibly ended in me not working for that orchestra again. All things had to be considered. However, having said that, you are right - if a little optimistic in your example - after all we feel what we feel and can only control our actions - which are sometimes too bound up in the feeling until later....which again is what I tried to say but hey. I did the hard work and made her feel better and this morning she had decided to forgive me. I guess my feelings will have to be buried again!!
thankyou x
Sorry for being ms. advice... :-( . I know that every situation requires a unique response... but I ... I don't know. I don't want you to suffer unnecessarily. And look- you still are suffering. (at least with the knowledge that you're taking care of your place at that orchestra and whatever else.) Let me know when you're feeling better.
hey it's all fine now. I have a history with this woman. She really means to be a good friend and she doesn't have all that many of them...I know she values me highly (when she thinks she's about to lose me anyway!) but the relationship is totally one-sided. She just doesn't have the emotional capacity to deal with anyone else and she would be mortified to know that as she thinks she does. She has come to me many times in the last 8/9 years for support and I have always been able to give it - probably because she is actually very similar emotionally to my mother I think but without me feeling AT ALL that she is in any way maternal towards me. I just know I can help her out fairly easily. However, In the last three years there have (now) been 2 incidents quite large in nature where she has, I feel, treated me really really badly. Not because she wanted to or even knew she had but because for her the situation only invloved her and her feelings. This flute business being one and ironically the other also to do with a flute and when I was similarly pregnant with the baby bird! I found it almost impossible to forgive her for the other incident - to the degree I had blocked it right out of my memory as the only way of going on - until my husband reminded me of it the other day. This incident, I think, will probably finish the same way. Yesterday she decided to talk about it with me but couldn't bring herself to acknowledge she had done anything much wrong by me. I know however it is the closest I will get to an apology so I let her know it was all in the past and over now. This isn't quite true as you can see - I feel she is one step further away from what I would call a friend but then our friends have different roles for us and I guess she is not one who is 'there for me' or whatever. I just have redifined our relationship in my mind that's all and with time I will be over it totally...even now it's less important than it was.
Having said that, yesterday on the long drive home in the middle of the night I did a you and binged on chocolate. Not a huge amount but I don't like it anyway and after not eating any really for nearly two years I am really suffering today . I have felt deeply nauseous since the baby bird woke me at 5. ugh. She is sleeping now and I have just made a simple jerusalem artichoke soup to try to flush my stomach out and restore it to it's usual comfortable self.....
oh and I asked for your advice and am thankful for it!
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