opportunity

There's something about the back of the baby bird's head and her little curls that I find totally irresistable...and although this picture doesn't really capture it I hope you can see how beautiful it looked glowing in the late afternoon sun as she played totally absorbed in the sand..



Today was a really beautiful day - the seasons really felt like they've changed (although it's probably a false hope living in the uk!). The midwife had to cancel her appointment - understandably as she had another client who was in the second stage of labour and needed her much more! It was a bit of a shame though as I'm going away next week again and this week is hectic so I guess I will have to wait a fortnight between visits which feels a bit long. My fault though for being so unavailable...unless she can come one evening. Anyway, the point was - because she wasn't coming the baby bird and I were unexpectedly free to do as we pleased all afternoon so we went to the farm again (where she held the little chick in her fairy costume last time). It was fantastic - every animal had babies it seemed so we saw the piglets feeding and talked about where they got their milk from, and the lambs bleating and talked about how babies can be noisy and a bit annoying but they're lovely really....do you see what I was doing?! Trying to help the baby bird prepare a bit for her new sibling by discussing what baby creatures do. Very timely. We also saw a lamb being born but she was totally disinterested! I, however, watched and learnt!! One thing I didn't get though - everywhere there were posters saying that pregnant women shouldn't touch the lambs or sheep. Why? am going to google it in a minute - am fascinated. And the baby bird had her first donkey ride which as you can see she took extremely seriously!

now this is what i needed!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QRNmNWEY48I

inconsistent ramblings of a hormonal overtired pregnant woman

I've been wanting to post about so many thinks for days now and the list keeps getting longer so I don't know that I'll even remember all I want to say. Not that it matters as I think no-one reads my blog any more and I already know what's going on in my head so my 'audience' tantamounts to zero anyway...
I am at my mother's again. With all the same problems that go with it. So that's tiring. But the baby bird is loving it - it's like a big exciting holiday for her and she wakes me up in the middle of the night to tell me we're at 'nanny's 'ouse' and that 'nanny's car blue' and 'narnie dog woof woof' etc. very sweet but I am really struggling from a lack of sleep with her breaking up the short time I get in bed after I've got home from various concerts that are up to a 3hr drive away...as well as being mightily pregnant and all the tiring things that go with that..consequently I am even less tolerent of my mother. Who deserves more really as she is wonderful with the baby bird.



We're back home now. It's always hard to post things when I'm at mum's so lots has happened and is unreported. Not that it matters... I've had a good and a bad time. I had a really good experience in Oxford meeting a friend's family at a crazy street festival which was beautiful. The experience was all the more unreal as the father of my friend is a very famous author whom I respect greatly and I had such a lovely conversation with him - intelligent but not showy and not at all egoistical (which he has every right to be in my mind!). So that was nice. That was the evening when after the concert just as I was (waddling) off stage a woman approached me saying 'did you go to wells? the cathedral school? are you (raven)? which I found disconcerting. When I had confirmed I was the person she was thinking of she announced herself as Image Soleil's mother!! Small world!

It was also my birthday while I was down in somerset and I had to go to a horrid city to do a fairly boring concert - fortunately I have a really lovely friend who was on the gig and she made a wonderful birthday tea with garlic mushrooms, lentil dahl and a spinach salad which made a soggy day a lot better. The baby bird got me a very sweet present (through my mother). They had spent the previous day at a donkey sanctuary and had adopted me a poorly donkey....she had wrapped up a postcard of this donkey - alongside (unseen by my mother) the local chinese takeaway menu. I laughed a lot.

So too much else to say as usual but I am too tired now and the moment has passed. I am very pregnant now. It's lovely and exciting but I am working too much and I am totally physically and mentally exhausted. I spent half the morning in tears again whilst trying to learn some music for wednesday. I've managed to pull myself together again now but I'm really feeling the strain of working with a toddler and a huge belly. I have another midwife appointment tomorrow which will be good. I'm still fainting lots from poor blood circulation and low blood pressure but it's nothing to worry about they say - just annoying.



And I'm still undecided about whether the baby bird should be at the birth. I am changing my mind actually and am beginning to feel that really she should be there if she wants to be. By that I mean I won't shut her out or farm her out to someone else for the duration. This is because birth has become a part of life that people are afraid of and I think it is partly because it has become so medicalised and also because it has become an event to take place behind firmly closed doors. It seems a little strange to me that as a woman I have never seen even a part of another woman's labour yet it is such a huge female experience. So if the baby bird wants to be in the room as I give birth then why not? I think she mustn't be left alone for a moment however, for a variety of reasons - she shouldn't feel sidelined or scared or bored for example. And I think she should be totally free to come and go as she pIeases. The only way is to try to designate a person whose sole responsibility is to her and her wishes..that way if she wants to go and see the tadpoles or whatever she can, and if she wants to sit in a bath with me she can and whatever happens I needn't worry that she is ok. Therefore I would like her to be in the care of someone she loves so she feels safe. What do you think?

turning within

So I got these 'hypnobirthing' cds recently. I was sceptical about them a bit but I also liked the sound of them and there were some specifically for VBAC preparation which really swung me. Anyway, I've listened to one of them once and thought it was amazing, and another one twice but I get so relaxed listening to it I have fallen asleep both times about two thirds of the way through! i guess you still hear it subconsciously though so something must be going in. I already feel stronger about it all and am actually getting excited at the prospect of giving brth now - a big step from the fear I felt in sept/oct...A big part of the cds is relaxation and visualisation. I am bad at relaxing so this is really helpful and I think if I listen to it often enough it will begin to become possible for me to relax quickly without going through a funny little panic stage that I currently experience. The idea is that during labour you are so used to using these techniques you can trigger them yourself and then withdraw into yourself almost in a trance and then let instinct and the body's natural strength take over (rather than mental expectations and the 'fear/pain cycle'). I also like this idea as I hate the thought of being without dignity or control in labour - both of which I realise are pretty hard (impossible?) to maintain and if I can block everything/one out then I will be able to focus on the task at hand and not get bound up in silly ideas that could actually prolong labour. The visualisation bit made me cringe a little to start with - along with the 'new agey' music which I often find a bit irritating, but once I'd set aside my cynical self and given it all a chance I got really into it and just love the images I have created in my mind for me to retreat to....also visualising the process of what is happening internally is really helpful and I feel that finally I can sometimes turn my attentions exclusively to the raven chick - who I have worried I neglect to think about often enough as I am so busy with work and the baby bird. And, shyly, I have felt a strong urge to draw things - myself, my visualisations, my unborn child....everything - but I'm too shy to tell anyone that - let alone expose these pictures. Obviously they're not good but I like doing them. I guess haesel you will appreciate that...
so. That's where I am tonight. Positive. oh, and I got a book today called 'birth your way' by the wonderful sheila kitzinger all about natural homebirth and minimum intervention. Am looking forward to reading it and maybe finding some answers/ideas especially relating to whether or not the baby bird should be able to see the birth of her sibling...

big considerations

And here's a big question. Should I let the baby bird be there for the birth of her sibling if it's appropriate (like the middle of the day and she's not out socializing with the neighbours or asleep or whatever)?? Or, will it be too traumatic for her to see her mummy looking like she is in pain when she's never seen me even cry before? If she were older I would ask her what she wanted and then be fine with whatever she said but although she talks about a baby a lot and is currently very interested in the idea of a baby getting milk frim my breasts I really don't think she could understand 'birth' well enough - or could she?

water baby

Where will I possibly find the same amount of love from again? I know I will but I am constantly amazed by my strength of feeling for the baby bird. As I read somewhere today 'love feels like being halfway between deep satisfaction and cronic anxiety'. I have never worried so much about anyone or had so many ridiculous dangerous scenarios flicker past my eyes, but I have never looked at anyone and felt so much joy and pride and satisfaction either...
I say all this because the raven chick is getting ever closer to making an appearance and I am getting more excited and nervous by the minute (especially at night). Will the tiny creature be ok? Will the birth be ok? Will we quickly settle into a new family dynamic? Will the baby bird feel such intense emotion she won't have the capacity to express herself? So much to think about and yet I'm so excited about making our happy little family a bit bigger and welcoming another beautiful creature into our life with whom to share every little thing for a while and for the baby bird to have someone she can form a bond with that will be a new experience again and will teach her so much and give her so much. gush gush gush.
But first I have to turn my mind to making a 'birth plan'. Difficult. I think it's such a weird thing to do (I know it's not necessary but it is advised) - last time I was so open-minded about it all I just said I didn't want a cesarean or a general anesthetic. Hmm, bad luck then coz that was pretty much all I did have. This time I know will be very different and because I know so much more now I really do know what I don't want but then I haven't experienced birth before really so who knows what will happen or how I will feel? I want guidance but I don't really know where from and I think actually I know what I want but can't quite access it yet.... any ideas????

ow ow ow. my eyes are really sore from not getting enough sleep and driving while crying and working too hard...I'm using an eyebright tincture but do you know of anything else homeopathic I can take? It's also because I'm pregnant and often your eyes dry out more during pregnancy. It hurts:(