opening up
Both girls are alseep, I am alone and I feel now is the time to begin to unravel some of the feelings I have been going through in the last 12 weeks..
The birth of the moth was deeply traumatic - and I still can't tell what happened as parts of it are so blocked out of my mind. Enough to say that after a long labour at home with no pain relief and happy to be that way, I was blue-lighted into hopsital for anouther emergency c-section. There's a lot wrong with that. I trust my midwife's decision - or advice really - totally and so must accept that it was the right thing to do this time. But. I can't begin to describe my deep feelings of failure, guilt, freakishness, shame, loss, sadness, vulnerability, violation, invasion, disgust and a catalogue of other negative emotions....and all for a second time despite my greatest efforts. It was almost unbearable and I am still haunted daily by it. I know there are much worse things - and yes of course the 'most important thing is that we are both ok' but god I hate it when people say that. I am grateful for what went right and that everyone is safe obviously but it's easy to underestimate the depth of feelings that go with being put on a slab in a cold foreign place surrounded by masked faces, being numbed from the chest down and so unable to move when the shield goes up in front of your eyes to stop you seeing the stranger approach your most precious swollen and soft belly with a cold, hard, sharp knife and slash you open to reveal parts of you that should never be seen, and to steal your child's first moments from you forever.
There's a lot of my past that I thought I'd put to bed that was brought back with all this and I have felt both raw and numb with it all at the same time. Now it's just becoming numb again and although it's a relief it doesn't feel safe or permanent. This time I feel I must meet myself head on but I don't know quite where to begin or how to go about it all.
Oh, and did I mention how little support my mother has given me through all this? In fact, she has hurt me more than pretty much anyone ever has. I know she didn't mean to, but this time it was me who really really needed support and I got the opposite. I actually am alone. Nice.
The birth of the moth was deeply traumatic - and I still can't tell what happened as parts of it are so blocked out of my mind. Enough to say that after a long labour at home with no pain relief and happy to be that way, I was blue-lighted into hopsital for anouther emergency c-section. There's a lot wrong with that. I trust my midwife's decision - or advice really - totally and so must accept that it was the right thing to do this time. But. I can't begin to describe my deep feelings of failure, guilt, freakishness, shame, loss, sadness, vulnerability, violation, invasion, disgust and a catalogue of other negative emotions....and all for a second time despite my greatest efforts. It was almost unbearable and I am still haunted daily by it. I know there are much worse things - and yes of course the 'most important thing is that we are both ok' but god I hate it when people say that. I am grateful for what went right and that everyone is safe obviously but it's easy to underestimate the depth of feelings that go with being put on a slab in a cold foreign place surrounded by masked faces, being numbed from the chest down and so unable to move when the shield goes up in front of your eyes to stop you seeing the stranger approach your most precious swollen and soft belly with a cold, hard, sharp knife and slash you open to reveal parts of you that should never be seen, and to steal your child's first moments from you forever.
There's a lot of my past that I thought I'd put to bed that was brought back with all this and I have felt both raw and numb with it all at the same time. Now it's just becoming numb again and although it's a relief it doesn't feel safe or permanent. This time I feel I must meet myself head on but I don't know quite where to begin or how to go about it all.
Oh, and did I mention how little support my mother has given me through all this? In fact, she has hurt me more than pretty much anyone ever has. I know she didn't mean to, but this time it was me who really really needed support and I got the opposite. I actually am alone. Nice.
posted by raven at 8:37 pm
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