water and love

The baby bird has been quite poorly with a badly infected gland that swelled up to the size of a walnut behind her ear. We have been doing only things she likes with her to try to take her mind off things and that has involved a lot of water...partly because it's been so hot and partly because she adores it - bath/paddling pool/lakes/rivers/sea as long as it's wet! This is in our little yard with her daddy and in her funky sun suit that makes her look like a little surfer girl...



We have been to my mother's again as I have had to work these last three days. It was fun this time though as my brother was there and my cousins came to stay too. One morning before I had to go to do a concert my brother and uncle went off to play golf and all the women went to an old abbey that has beautiful gardens (with the most perfect vegetable patch I have ever seen)....the baby bird adores these people and they dote on her-particularly my younger cousin who is ten. I hid for a while and watched everyone bonding from behind the trees and felt glad that my baby will experience some degree of family unity and camaraderie.



My favourite day recently was our trip to a nearby wood and lake. We went for a long walk through the woods and the baby bird ran ahead loving all the exciting smells and sounds. I think these pictures looks like perfect childhood moments. I hope she remembers something from them even if it is just a feeling of happiness. We are a very happy and contented family the baby bird, my prince and I when we get time to be all together outside. It doesn't happen often enough for me although I think we are lucky in the amount of time we do get together....



I just wish it was always...
(the lump is going down now - hooray)

scrumping royal berries

I've just had a truly hideous 70+ hours.. Everything has been traumatic or stressful apart from a wonderfully peaceful couple of hours yesterday before the concert that were enveloped in a magical, calm cocoon and we stole raspberries from Queen Victoria's vegetable garden....We were doing a concert on the Isle of Wight - another outdoors, patriotic, resource-wasting, dumbed down event - but it was at Queen Victoria's old haunt Osborne House. In the tea break we went on a mini adventure down to a beautiful little cottage (where she was allegedly naughty) that had a lovely garden with all sorts of fruit and veg and was patrolled only by lots of blackbirds and a very busy red squirrel. We had lovely food and inspirational conversation and on reflection was the nicest part of my weekend by far.
On my very late drive home after catching the ferry back to mainland England after the concert I was overtaken by a reckless driver who only a couple of miles later had lost control of his car, clipped the kerb, smashed into a lamppost and turned his car right over in the middle of the dual carriageway....I nearly smashed into his car but swerved in time to stop safely. When I got out of the car I realised he was still in his car having crashed only moments before I appeared. Amazingly though when I helped to prize the door open he managed to crawl out and was completely unscathed. A very very lucky man. I called the police and a fire engine to move his car and then waited with him until help came. Thus it was that I got home so much later than I had hoped....almost exactly 24 hours after I had woken that morning.
Then today, I was advised to take the baby bird to casualty urgently as she has developed a lump behind her right ear. We had a 3 hour wait in the humid afternoon - during which time I imagined all sorts of terrible things and realised again how painfully strongly I love her and feel a need to protect her. I can't describe how slowly time went and how fast my imagination moved but in the end it was all ok.....nothing more than perhaps a cyst and more likely a viral infection in her glands...but because she had fallen and banged her head last week it was better to be safe and cautious.
Then I had to drive the four hours home in holiday traffic. On top of these two big events there were many other small things that went wrong these last two days...I got caught in a torrential downpour and thunderstorm in nothing more than a t-shirt and skirt which was uncomfortable - especially as I then had to sit on a coach for 90 minutes dripping. My oil needed suddenly changing in my car when I was driving with a sleeping baby so I had to stop and wake her up and try to buy and replace oil with a grumpy, sleepy baby on my hip. I had to shout at drunken boys fighting loudly and lewdly outside our bedroom window at my mum's house in the early hours of the morning before they woke everyone up..including the off-colour baby bird. I may have got caught speeding (my own fault but I really wanted to get home before 3am)..and so on. Last night I got three hours sleep. I am beaten....everything is ok in the end but I have had enough stress for one weekend.
Tomorrow we will have been married for four years.

abridged wondering...

I can't tell you how happy I am to have a tiny little window of time just to myself....the baby bird is in bed, my husband is out working, I am at home and nobody or nothing is making any demands on me right now. Bliss. I don't have to do anything for anyone else - just sit here and blog to my hearts content and not speak to anyone about anything. This is the very first time I have had a moment to myself since my magpie post....no exaggeration either. Working away is SO hard. Anyway. I'm enjoying this moment....
So firstly I feel I need to use my blog space as a bit of a confessional. I strayed from my wholesome attempts at ethical-ity and for no reason other than vanity of all stupid things. Bad. I bought a very unethical shampoo and conditioner and it was purely because I know that the product makes my hair look more shiny and fuller. The minute I got it home I felt ridiculous about it - what sort of commitment is that really when I put the state of my flipping hair above the state of the earth. I know it's not worth getting too bothered about as an act on it's own but it was my lack of commitment in favour of vanity that suprised and annoyed me. I have learnt my lesson though and won't do it again.
Secondly, I want to say - particularly to Robin - that I have come to understand something more about meditation and truth and have realised how I do tend to grasp at things I feel are important when I see them clearly and how I have a habit of clinging to negativity as well. I think this realisation will help me to move on a bit and grow more peaceful....I have found it hard being away from home for so long this time without the voice of calm that is my husband and with the slightly negative feelings I have had surrounding this last batch of work but I think I am learning to let my mind open up and slow down which can really help.
Next, I wanted to share my amazing experience at the osteopath recently... I have taken the baby bird a few times as it is often suggested that traumatic and invasive birth can have a lasting effect on small children and when baby bird was having problems with her digestive system it really did seem to help her - although I had no idea what it was they were actually doing(!) - (as it was the treatment combined with the realisation that she is allergic to cow's milk sorted her out totally). When I went myself with a really bad back the effect it had on me was incredible - I recommend it to anyone with any kind of pain. It did make me realise however, that in taking care of everyone else and working so much I have neglected my own body a bit and I am quite exhausted both physically and mentally.
I took the baby bird to the sea recently with my mother... I do have some photos but they're not on my computer yet. She loved it more than I could have thought - as I approached the sea with her she started squealing in delight and when she got to the water she just waded in right up to her neck pretty much without caring about the waves or the temperature. It was totally beautiful and I can't wait to take her again this weekend. I know she liked water - she's always in the paddling pool and we go swimming three or four times a week but her reaction to the sea was so much more excited. I'm so happy about it as I love going in the sea too and feel I can understand her glee and share it with her.
I'm too tired to post about my mother in detail as I had said I would. I have been staying with her while we have been away so she could look after the baby bird for me. I find it tiring even though she is marvellous and perfect with her granddaughter....This time however I realised for the first time why it is that I find it so hard to have a good relationship with her. I don't think I can post about it although I would like to - partly in case she ever read it and partly because I maybe need to think about it more first. I don't know....hmm.
And finally, drums. When I was really pondering them it was during a concert and I was really feeling the primal pull of a steady deep drumbeat. It felt like the essence of human urges and was a very powerful feeling. I wanted to celebrate man's ability to express himself since prehistoric times through sound/music on my blog but couldn't. Now I can it doesn't feel the right time but I have mentioned it at least.
So that's it for right now. It's all been a bit abridged but I feel like I have shared at least a bit of what I have wanted to blog about recently...right now I want to just sit and enjoy my time to myself while I have it.
(oh, and I've been reading lots of Chomsky and have learnt so much. He is a hero and I want to read everything he has ever written...)

bursting with things to say......

I've been working away and every minute of my time has been so valuable that I couldn't blog. I really wanted to as there have been so many things I have wanted to share/ponder but working away with a small child is hard and I just couldn't.. I have been doing some really bizarre concerts - one night we played (as an orchestra) at the Henley Regatta on a floating stage with Deep Purple. And most concerts recently have been big outdoors events with us in a festival type dome tent stage and fireworks and big loudspeakers to amplify the music to the massive audiences... I hate these concerts...they are always either patronised by the stinking rich with their misguided ideas that money=worthiness and virtue (rather than greed and corruption - as I see it) or the deeply patriotic - and I really find union jack worshiping grates on my conscious with all the war we are helping to create and the deeply ingrained colonial tendencies we, as a nation, display. And the music often includes things like Star Wars and James Bond which I find to be exciting but also very testosterone-filled and too much of it makes me feel a bit desensitized to the subtler side of myself.
I only have a few minutes now so I am going to remind myself of the the things I want to post about later...osteopathy, buddhism, drums, the sea, my mother, rejection. This is because for the last fortnight I have tried to remember the things I wanted to post about but stuff floats away and these things in particular I would like to explore....
...more when the baby bird is in bed and I have a little time to myself......

bitten

I got bitten by a magpie. We came home one afternoon and got the baby bird a drink and a banana and made some coffee for us and sat down in the living room and I noticed that a small pair of scissors had fallen from the windowsill so I leant over to pick them up and saw out of the corner of my eye a movement behind the curtain. When I pulled it back a magpie started crazily trying to fly through the window/curtain/wall in terror. Eventually I managed to catch it without damaging it's wings and just as I was taking it out into the woods it bit me on the finger. Not suprising but suprisingly painful for a creature with no teeth......anyway it flew off so the story has a good ending.

Today we were at a friend's house and the baby bird fell over and bit her tongue. It bled and bled but I thought it was probably ok as it's such a fast healing part of your body. She was really grumpy and winey after that for quite a while but I thought it was because it was hot not because of her tongue so much. Anyway, when we got home I managed to have a good look at her mouth and saw that the cut was really bad....she actually bit a bit out of the middle of her tongue it looks like and it's all bruised and there's a big dark red welt. Poor baby. Considering the injury I thought she had been a real trooper all day so I gave her an ice lolly to numb her mouth before she had her bath. I know it will heal really quickly but that's the most blood I've ever seen of hers and it made me a bit sad. Anyway, the lolly and a bit of distractive play with sunglasses seemed to help and hopefully it will heal lots overnight....