just to keep things in perspective...

so so unfair.

Today has been one of the worst and most complicated days I've had for a long time. Right now my eyes are burning from having cried and having tried to contain tears for so long and I have that rubbish post-stress headache. I feel defeated, rejected and a catalogue of other negative emotions. I hate feeling this way. So, I'll get it off my chest here, try to work out the best plan of action whilst doing so and rely on getting a bit of fuzzy warm supportive feedback to make me feel better(!)
It all started when someone at work who I am pretty good friends with (if it's a little one-sided and I am more her emotional crutch and support than she is anything for me) accidentally knocked my very very very expensive and pretty rare flute off my chair in a break and damaged it farily badly (some of it I have fixed myself this evening but one big dent is, I think, unrepairable). She is also a flute player and so knew exactly what she had done. I was shocked but not so much so that I allowed myself to react the way I felt...instead I just stayed cool and said for her not to worry and accidents happen etc. Actually I was totally furious, disbelieving she could have been so careless and flippant in her apology and desperately worried. However, to save her feeling more guilty than she need to I absolutely withheld my reaction and was totally rational and understanding. So the rehearsal progressed and I knew something was wrong with my flute but figured there was no point bothering about it too much until I could get it home and really find out what was wrong with it and try to fix it. She kept asking if it was ok and I said repeatedly yes but not quite perfect - I was honest in other words. At lunch time she wouldn't talk to me as she wanted to play my flute to see what was wrong but I just didn't want her to touch it - or anyone else - I was feeling protective over it and not really wanting to know about the damage done until I could do something about it. Anyway, her behaviour was making me feel guilty (which made me cross seeing as I'd done nothing wrong and was trying to spare her emotions and not make a fuss or let anyone else know what had happened to save her embarassment). What did I get in return for my efforts? Her shouting at me right before the afternoon rehearsal began that I was trying to make HER SUFFER by not letting her play my flute....when I expressed my amazement at this sentiment she got more and more angry at me and couldn't even look at me. And when I finally let myself show a tiny bit of my anger by saying I was sorry I wasn't behaving in the way she wanted me to she practically screamed at me to shut up shut up shut up. And then spent the rest of the afternoon refusing to speak to me or look at me and running away at the end of the day so we couldn't even try to patch things up. Of course the moment I got in my car I burst into floods of tears. I felt/feel guilty she feels so badly towards me but I am also furious that yet again I am not respected enough for my anger/frustration/whatever reaction to be valid enough to warrant an apology. And I know from experience that now she will be incapable of sorting this out and I will have to go to her and try to patch things up and apologise to her for I'm not sure what. I rang my dad and he said that perhaps my insisting everything was not too bad and denying her the chance to play my flute and attempt to reassure herself that all was well could have been interpreted by her as cold and insensitive. My husband agrees. Ironic then that I did it to try to spare her feelings of guilt. They both say I should be the one to rectify the situation as I can probably see it more clearly that she. I know they are right so I have contacted her and tried to let her know the flute will be fine, I was trying to be nice, I am not angry, I am sorry and want us to patch things up. I have had no response. Actually I am furious and defeated and sad and misunderstood and frustrated and tense and blah blah blah aaaaaaaggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh. Yet again I have to be the bigger person. Yet again I have to succumb to try to resolve a situation because I can deal with it and see it better than others but fuck. When do I get to have people trying to make me feel good???? And let's not forget than my beautiful flute has a dinger of a dent in it still....

my star - in stripes

We had a perfect day yesterday - just the baby bird and me. We went to the zoo and she was the most incredibly good company all day. No fights about denying poo in her pull-ups, no demanding to be carried (I don't mind that at all but with my belly getting so big it really puts a strain on my back holding her as well and we don't use a buggy) and just good natured chat all the way round....and a lot of running! It was a true joy being with her she is such a sunny little human being and so clever but with a brilliant sense of humour. I only wish she would sleep. She never does - not even at night and I'm absolutely not prepared to do the 'tough love' thing of leaving her to cry it out. If she wakes up and needs to know I'm there then I should be, but at the moment she is waking so much I am totally exhausted. Plus she doesn't do the normal thing of sleeping for a couple of hours during the day either - up to one hour max is her best and that's with getting up at 5am on the dot and not going to bed until 7.30. hmm. a livewire. Still, it is her only downside and my husband gets up with her most days at five so it's ok really. Actually it's lovely - they've started making bread every morning together so when I get downstairs at seven we have fresh pitta bread or baguette or rolls or whatever..
She picked her own outfit today. Feeling bright I guess......

it took reflection but I am happy...

So after reading the last few of hazel's posts on her 'other' blog that focus so strongly on food and weight I have been feeling particularly unhappy with myself......well, that and the after effects of spending a week at my mother's (!). But then today we were all free from work and we had a wonderful wonderful time and I realised that I am not someone else (if you understand what that means), and that being pregnant again I will be getting bigger but that's right and I absolutley shouldn't be getting fussed about an increasing belly as it's full of another child. Then my husband showed me the photos he took of our day out and I spoke to my poor brother on the phone - who is having a terrible time and won't/can't let himself be helped and is consequently pressing the self-destruct button with force - and I realised again just how absolutley lucky I am and how really I couldn't ask for much more from life...

see- in this picture I don't look as big bellied as I feel (there's only 12 weeks to go now!) and I can still wear my absolute favourite jumper which I've had for 9 years and was a friend's secondhand cast off before it was mine..


ah - to be home again. On the village green with the imaginatively named "baby" and the deeply annoying buggy (it's too low and I have to push it around far too much for my back to enjoy it)


and then a trip on the bus looking at all the different sorts of people with the baby bird. Apart from my nose this is a nice picture and certainly captures the shared moment we were having.


and then my favourite one of all. The baby bird with a baby bird. We went to an open farm and she got so so excited by the animals and the way she could feed them and hold them. The fact she had decided to 'express' herself today in an entirely inappropriate fairy costume and no wellies but too short trousers and no protection from the cold wind didn't bother her at all even if I kept getting funny looks from all the parents who had their children in sensible waterproof gear and hats! Secretly though I was glad she was the way she was and it just made this picture all the more perfect.


No, after looking at these I refuse to let myself feel dissatisfied. I have everything.

aaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

my mother is driving me crazy with frustration, anger, guilt and a myriad other negative emotions. thank god we go home in two days. I don't have time to post right now but I will when I get back from work tonight.

The worst thing about her is it will never be resolved as she is totally incapable of seeing how she is behaving - therefore it is not intended - and therefore it is her nature and cannot be changed.

getting dressed...in daddy's pants

larch cones and paper.....right.

sorry about the poor quality of all these videos but they're taken on my phone (which actually makes it pretty remarkable I think)...as are all the poor quality pictures but they're enough to get the essence of things...

absoute time wasting..

Your results:
You are Green Lantern

Green Lantern 65% Iron Man 60% Hulk 50% Superman 45% Supergirl 45% Robin 40% Wonder Woman 40% Catwoman 40% Spider-Man 40% Batman 35% The Flash 15%

Hot-headed. You have strong will power and a good imagination.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz

just a minute...I'm not finished!

too weird

My husband and a friend were looking on youtube and to kill time put in his (my husband's) name.....up popped a video with his name as a title and the subheading "a beautiful song about a beautiful man" ...they watched it thinking it wasn't about him but actually it is a group of lads singing a song exclusively about him - we know this because part way through they show the cover of a cd my husband has made with a group of his and point to him. I found it a bit spooky. We don't know who these boys are at all! Watch it...